days 15 & 16: paper & endometrium

paper
did i even masturbate today?

i did. this morning. in bed. reading reinaldo.

my new thing is i think about myself while i’m bringing myself to climax.
my new thing is i think about myself.

and i feel my body. i feel i am touching myself.

this is my new thing.

and when i cum, i cum me. i cum outward and i envision plays. i envision my plays coming out of me. i have begun to get off on my creativity.

this is also a thing about confidence. this is also a thing about confidence. in belief that i am sex. in belief that my climax is what i want. in belief that i’m going to feel what i want to feel. that i deserve. no, not deserve and all the self-hating on that word baggages on me. stop it. orgasm and come and ungh for myself of myself about myself isn’t something that gets to me through doing deserving, like i have to work for it, demonstrate so that i might have the privilege.

i do this in my life: i give and then i don’t feel like am adequately appreciated or compensated. i don’t like that game of victim blaming, of i drew the fill-in-the-blank to myself. that’s not where i’m going. i’m saying that when i lay in bed going through reinaldo letting him tell me about his life and i am touching my clit, fingering my clit, feeling my nipples awaken... when i’m rubbing out this orgasm i’m relearning appreciation for myself. i’m relearning that i am not a favor and that i’m gonna get my goddamn yes.

i want to break out of that lens of

crawling on my knees across the

i want to break out of that lens into
this is not a favor
this is not a favor
this is not a favor
this is not a favor

over and over. i am not doing you a favor by doing this. i am
taking care of myself.

am i talking about masturbation? am i talking about music? about writing? about making my way...

endometrium
i bleed out period blood and i don’t want to get my fingers all bloody. i have this conversation:
me: do you not want to get your fingers bloody because you think it’s gross and you hate yourself? you are bad person. your partner gets the blood on his dick.
me: um i think actually it would feel good to still my fingers up in me AND also i just like don’t feel like getting the bloody fingers.
me: you hate your period.
me: that is a nonsense.
me: you think you’re gross and you don’t like the way it smells. you feel bad about the cyst rupturing.
me: well yeah at this point the blood smells kind of ironish and like you know uterine lining! i don’t want to eat it! and yeah the cyst ruptured again and i’m sensitive about it.  why can’t i just want to come this way? why do we have to find the way that this is a bad thing? why are we looking for the shame everywhere? can’t we just stop and focus on WHAT FEELS GOOD?

yesterday while i was asleep i got blood on the new sheets i bought for myself. and i did that thing where i scrubbed down the sheets with some soap and water. i have sheets that are just a mess of blood stains, and that’s okay, right, that’s okay. and AND i would like to make some effort to have these nice new sheets be less stainy. and some how as i am scrubbing up the stain i go through the
me: you are doing this to punish yourself for bleeding
me: maybe i just want to keep the sheets less stainy, plus this reminds me of learning about having my period as a tweenager
me: you are doing this because you think blood is dirty. you think you ruined your sheets. remember that time you bled all over his pants and you were scrubbing them out in the bathtub and he thought you were being nutso or i think he thought that?
me: yeah but like he didn’t know that it was going to like perma stain. you gotta get that shit out quick. like chocolate. plus, and my sheets are so gorgeous though
me: you think your blood is ruining your sheets
me: realistically, stains are what they are, and maybe also.. maybe also just leaving them there is a way to make me feel bad?

I MEAN. i just go. it’s ridiculous. what is all this baggage about the whatever the fuck comes out of my cunt. i mean jesus.

it took effort and fingers to cum on my back reading. cum on my back with my fingers. i don’t want to rub my bloody cunt on a bloody towel on a pillow or whatever. i just don’t feel like it. so i cum about me. i cum my plays. i cum with my fingers. i cum up and out.

and i.
heal a little bit.

i know i am healing. i don’t know what the wound is. it’s probably a lot of wounds. i would like the wounds to cease being defining characteristics. i want the confidence of my orgasm to move with me out into the rest of my day. it is. it is. i want to believe there is a shift happening.

me: that is so woo woo.
me: good for you, judgement pants.