day 6: or cry instead

day 6

yesterday I just cried and cried and cried and then rubbed down into sleep. what i want to write about for that is i was able to be present with myself. with the catharsis of tears, the grief of joblessness (blah blah blah) and the sureness that my partner really is in those woods and isn’t coming out of them until the end of september. and knowing the dip after ovulation, before pre-menstrual really drops in on me. it was such a good long cry, full breath and shoulders, and sounds and it rose and dropped and rose and dropped on and on. i mean obvs we know that crying releases chemicals, gets it out. and isn’t that in some way also the orgasmic state. the getting it out. my body working itself, clearing and convulsing and feeling. my mind could wander in my tears, i could lift up: suddenly i am grieving so and so’s dead so and so, and then i’m back to my own here here, the body wringing itself out.

across our blogs i’m seeing similar pieces, that self-love/self-care contains within it the space to of course not jerk off (and not get off!) if the body says so. (also it’s sunday as i add this in, and the a neighbor is straight up playing “easy like sunday morning” !!!) sometimes i try to run from tears, the cry, or make it so small that it’s invisible. that it’s just behind my eyes. but i am so obvious, so visible. i can’t hide that.