days 8 & 9: permission to open the door (i am the door)

Reading again. It was a long slow hump of the pillow when I woke. Then the cum was so... delayed. last night I had a little ripple. Just a little ripple Ripple.

I didn't believe I could do it -- like I lost belief. So... Maybe that's because I buzzzzzed myself to sleep, buzzed over the edge. Oh. I can  vary my routine. Who knew? I want to say something about permission, giving it to myself. Look, last night was the last section of FemSexComm. I didn't miss a one of the sessions. And, I had sort of like, affection friend touch at our afterparty. WE all got long-necked petaly flowers and @ the bar, a few of us got to rubbing them on our faces. Flower touch. And hugs.

I want to honor myself that this... that this is an allowing. Like the masturbation, even if it seems like a a chore or a Wrong. Or w/e. That's part of the self-love practice for me. Believing I'm enough & I deserve.

So. That said.

I rocked on my belly while I read. Did this seem so familiar b/c it is.. then turned down by !cultural messaging! me rubbing out long & slow, no hurry, nowhere to go, turning the pages, the pillow warming, my nipples sensitizing.

Ah. It felt kind.

& outside of hurry sickness time. The judgement I could pour onto 'letting myself' sleep in, 'letting myself' take time for pleasure.

Okay, gate keeper. I'm kissing the door that will open for me, & what is the sweet what if I find the door is just me, all the boards I've hammered, all the locks. B/C of ~experiences~ and cultural messaging.

I____. Look, I've been "trying to get a job" for 3 years. I have a list of concrete actions to get the type of job I've admitted to my career consultant when she's holding a pen. I said the same thing twice a year apart -- I can't ~pretend~  or run from that true desire. What FemSexComm calls "active desire"... the thing, you know, I pushed hard against like

Who am I to dare to have a desire and then actively pursue it?

& so, as I hump-rock on the pillow, as I fulcrum simply.. I reach. Or stop reaching. I just am.
Once recently someone offered me an unsolicited question.
"Why do you think you need to give yourself permission?"

a) OUCH
b) Sure, it's step 1, & guess what? It can take a while, be alooong loop through & over. Not even conscious hump hump.

I bring that brave active active out w/me. Out of my crotch and nipples into the rest of me. If I could bring that out w/me when I go walking --NO, shut your mouth floppy hands lady (you, still?). NO. You & your way do not get to dictate to me how it'll go. Buzz or rock or touch. ON MY BELLY.

I smelled my fingers after.
I smelled my fingers after
Again & again.