day 3: what she said

Still in the pushed down after of it, when my consciousness slips down and everything is a little bit like pudding, or maybe more embodied.

After I cum I like to go pee. Because once, I had a UTI and it was the Most Horrible Experience. I was on an airplane. think it had to do more with the ocean, but. Or, it’s because when I was a kid I used to go pee before dinner after I’d rubbed out on the bear and stumbled downstairs flushed in the cheeks and wobbling in the pushed down after of it.

When there was Pop Up Video on VH1, I saw this one pop up “What do people do most often after sex?” And then I looked away or got distracted by the video. This answer puzzled me for years. Do they pee? Sleep? Eat pizza? I came, so I peed.

Anyway, I was out in the heat and looking forward as I went down the block to get inside the apt, to close the door. I wrote a letter to my sweetie out in the wilderness, untouchable: hey look, I’m touching myself.

I’m making lists of topics I want to call in.

1.    Porn

2.    Secrecy

3.    Vibrators

4.    Fantasy

5.    Restraint, Coercion

Vibrators. We’d found the book -- or, I’d listened to the TED talk of the woman with the floppy hands saying that it’s better to be a Turned On Woman, and that Turned On Women -- in the book, it said, in the Orgasm Meditation book, the OM Book -- that Turned on Women DO NOT use vibrators. And they DO NOT fantasize. They stay in the moment, in the present, with their partners who have explained their pussy looks a little coral today, or whatever and then rubs. Or strokes, I mean. And there is a towel? A timer? I think we did it twice? Three times? Lube? And we’d just gotten this  amaze rabbit ears flexihead HOT PINK vibrator from Feelmore510. And the book says Sorry ladies, put the down the vibrator.

It’s like. There’s an economy. Of shame.

I don’t ~care~ if it has to do with Integral or integral or Wilber or whatever. Hierarchy of cubed knowledge square saying vibrator crotch pussy isn’t as Slow as rubbed crotch pussy. Or the head of my clit doesn’t know enough after it’s been buzzed a bit? Or.

I, sometimes I -- mostly, or in phases, I. I like to rub it out, pelvis style. Sometimes. Sometimes, especially when I have the Internet and am getting into Porn, then, then especially then, the vibrator. I was inspired today by Her Daily Grind. The rotating around on the buzzing, and I got out the little paler pink bullet. Gave it some attention. Or it gave me attention. Thought about, thought about how my path to orgasm can be a while (this is not a judgement), and that sometimes, like today, if I was going to climax then there was going to be a vibrator involved.

The lady with the floppy hands says more or less to decentralize the climax. I mean, word. If I’m with this parter whose sex has been dismissed to the mountains for the next half a year, listen, then sure sometimes I will say “I am so not going to cum.” Or it isn’t about me for that bang, really. Or I am up there on the roof of my body, up there in the sky of me, my clouds and I don’t want to be a wave that crests. I just float back down.

In defense of the buzz, and I haven’t even gotten to dildos. To fantasy. There’s more days. In defense of the buzz, in partner sex, it could bring my wet or curl my toes or force my unngghhh closer to the place I don’t want to escape.

Here, for this orgasm. For this masturbation. Today. This jerk off. The buzz brought me through the tunnel. And the fantasy was hot. And the body feels the afterward. Unmediated.