Friday, May 18, 2012

day 10: permission in practice

Oh, I jerked off. And it was just my mood had slipped to a horrible place. You know:

  • the WTF is wrong w/me place
  • the it's delusional to want grant money place
  • the you're no Madison Young place
  • the Jews won't help you place
  • the you have to get a job and no one will give you one because you haven't called & you shouldn't place
I gave myself permission to cum last night. I jerked for probably like an hour & couldn't get anywhere. The rolodex of reliable fantasizes & pornographic images spun & spun. Alas. So I had a D/s conversation w/myself:

Me: Can I cum? No? No No? Yes? No? Can I? May I? No? No?
Me: Yes.

Slick! I went right over the edge.
Permission. Wow.
I went pee. The promptly gave my cheek to the pillow.

Have I talked about this before? Yes?

Permission as a hangup. It's like I'm a train track I switch away from action and self-acceptance when my inner train is right about to--


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4 comments:

  1. Fire May 19, 2012 at 10:15 PM

    Resonant and yes. Glad I got to read it. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. MarissaMay 25, 2012 at 7:29 AM

    FYI - I can totally relate to the D/s topping of oneself. It's one of my oldest techniques. How rad to know that other women do that, too. I kinda always thought there was something weird about being both D and s in the same fantasy -- but I guess this is true of all fantasies and dreams. We are everyone and everything in them. But this is like, a very direct, lucid sort of owning that, yes, I am strong and yes, I need to be pushed sometimes, and yes, I can, and do, do both.

    <3

    M

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yisraela tzviahMay 25, 2012 at 3:20 PM

      OH MY GAWD YES. It is so reliable.

      I love this:

      - but I guess this is true of all fantasies and dreams. We are everyone and everything in them. But this is like, a very direct, lucid sort of owning that, yes, I am strong and yes, I need to be pushed sometimes, and yes, I can, and do, do both.

      Delete
  3. Jen CrossMay 25, 2012 at 1:02 PM


    So I had a D/s conversation w/myself:

    Me: Can I cum? No? No No? Yes? No? Can I? May I? No? No?
    Me: Yes.

    Slick!


    Totally love this -- gorgeous.

    ReplyDelete

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