day 2: humper

So, I jerked off, masturbated. This is the 2nd day. I felt self-conscious, pressured, the omnipotent watcher Eying me -- then I started to remember where I had gotten myself to yesterday -- rump in the air, opening opening. My big things are

1.  for whom 
2. not moving 
3. my cystic left ovary/blood/leaking
4. my technique

Today, the hot of the sun starts down through the palm tree that shades my north-facing windows. It's around 7:30 am. I have made a commitment to wake up and I'm awake. In my dream, I'd been saying I was sexually assaulted and this [the scene, being touched, held, restrained without consent by a body, in plain view of someone else] is triggering me. The previous night, after Saturday, all this yelling about masturbation, all this seeing my ol' college vibrator long gone to landfill: blue-teal, hard plastic, like an alien phallus. Vhzzzzzz.

What the voice tells me now, these days, is: They're not that bad, the things here & there that happened to you, at least it wasn't ________ or __________ ________ __________. At least it wasn't your childhood. I say to the voice: except for masturbation, it was. I mean, it wasn't that bad, but -- or, I hear similar stories, & --

As a baby-infant, I was a humper. Every day. My favorite -- (I've since learned to suck one particular cock like it's the mamma's breast I never got fed) -- my favorite: humping the pillow, the bear, rocking slow and fast slow.

Here, in my adult apartment, rotating the pelvis on the pillow, covered in quilts. Hot. Heat. Hiding. I'm remembering. At the baby-infant sitter's house. Her seeing me -- I'm on a bed there humping her pillow. The memory is so early, so strong so Core and so far in that I lack the clear words. The message was

1. No
2. Gross
3. Satan
4. Stop
5. Shame
6. Never Again

I also jerked off during nap time @ preschool (afternoon, babysat). Face down on the cot, barely moving, call it in on my hands.

I mean someone must've been onto me. Telling my parents.

Cover my body w/a blanket, wiggle silently. Only my hips.

This & hide it hide it hide it.

Today I cum belly down blankets off breaths moans arising & my hands starting to touch: thigh, back breasts arms -- these parts are numb & cold in sensation.